I’d crash this car even if it killed me so I could kill you.

“I want to punch you in the face. If I could kill you now I’d be happy. I’d crash this car even if it killed me so I could kill you. I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! ”

This is what I screamed yesterday while I was driving my ex husband and my daughter to my son’s house. And sadly I meant it.

Just a little history. We’ve been divorced for almost a decade but he came to Cincinnati to be closer to our daughter which I commended him on. Despite his behavior he at least tried to be a good father. I didn’t know he’d stolen a car to get to us, only found that out just before he was arrested after he confessed to me. He lied, however, to the court, said he didn’t know it was stolen and they gave him probation but he became a felon. Years later he was arrested again (back in October 2008) for growing marijuana in an empty apartment next to his. I didn’t quite see why they would arrest him but he was involved from what he told me when he got out last month.

Now, our daughter is 18, an adult she keeps telling me, and she has such a big heart and loves him very much so when he was in jail she was so worried it made me feel bad and do things to help the ex who btw is crazy, such as letting him stay with us when he got out. Unfortunately she learned all on her own once he lived with us that he was truly crazy – an idiot she called him though I told her not to, that it was wrong to say anything like that about her father. I firmly believe you don’t bad mouth the absent parent just because he treated you abysmally even though I slipped up.

There was a reason. He’s decided he’s going back to jail so he won’t have three years probation stuck in a county in a city and state he hates without a driver’s license for a year. He’s from Colorado . I thought that was stupid but then I don’t steal cars or grow marijuana and don’t think like he does.

Back in the car. My daughter told me to slow down before I lost control. I told her I wouldn’t lose control, though I obviously had, and saw I was going 70 mph when the speed limit was 55. Of course I slowed down but the anger was rolling off me, a physical volatile thing I couldn’t shake.

When I got home I couldn’t find the garage opener so they got out, I made him give me the key to the front door since he claimed he was going off to jail the next day, and my daughter lost hers long ago, the little adult. After I parked he went through the garage to get in then came back and told me my – our – daughter wasn’t there. I assumed she’d walked two houses up to my mothers so I went in and called her.

The thing is I’d thought about doing the same thing, just going to my mothers to vent, to have a cup of tea and try to calm down but I was so angry I didn’t want to take that to my mother’s. Well, the little woman was there though I didn’t speak to her. I just continued to pepper the ex with truths, truths on how he only thought about himself, how he never thought about his daughter, how selfish and stupid he was, how I’d lost what little respect I had for him when he decided to wait out the economic crisis in jail and what his daughter actually thought of him. Granted I’d talked to her about that, told her not to judge him harshly, that he loved her but I was so angry I wanted him to know. Unfortunately I couldn’t listen to my own advice.

I then sat on the couch and watched The Last Angry Man(ironic) with Paul Muni and Billy Dee Williams and as tired as I was I just sat there thinking and watching and waiting for the movie to turn into one of the great movies of the fifties that I was told it was. I really like Paul Muni though and it was interesting to see such a young Billy Dee. After the movie I went into the kitchen where the ex was reading one of my books and I apologized then told him that his daughter had come to the conclusion that he wasn’t an idiot, and she had, but decided his brain cells had been destroyed by marijuana and that wasn’t necessarily something he could control though that he’d allowed that to happen was foolish and that she loved him very much – she does – and would do anything for him – which she would. He thanked me and I went to bed though everything stayed on my mind till I prayed and finally fell asleep.

Of course I asked forgiveness from God and apologized to the ex but I woke up feeling like evil personified. When I went downstairs there he was standing in the living room, a blight on my good morning, with the television blaring some morning show and all I could think was that I hope he really does go to jail today and I never ever see him again.

Can you guess who I am?

I'm your neighbor, your co-worker, your friend, I'm that lady standing in the check out line at the grocery store peeking at Soap Opera Digest, I'm your sister, your daughter, your mother.

I pleasured myself this morning and for the first time I didn't feel guilty.

I'm divorced, a Christian, don't want to just have mindless sex but I still have desires. As a Christian what do I do?

And you know I wish I had a religious forum to go to. Haven't found anything I like yet. I'd like some anonymity but like minds. What do other single Christians do?

Is it okay to masturbate and have fantasies? If I have desires which is part of being human do I deny them? Isn't sex a natural desire? Am I to go without pleasure till I die or find a Christian man who I can marry?

I mean the desire to kill, to express our anger is natural maybe even essential. Oh, O don't mean dragging your next door neighbor into the woods and slaughtering them because they played their music too loud. I mean if man didn't hunt for food they would've perished and if anger's left to roil inside apparently, or so they claim, it causes stress which leads to heart attacks.

All the desires we have, good, bad, how do we control them as a Christian and do the right thing?

My goals for the New Year start always with wanting to be a good Christian. But I don't want guilt for being weak. I want to take that guilt and make it disappear by constantly trying to be better. I want to always strive to give the best I can for God.

Some of my Resolutions:
1. To not get angry especially in traffic.
2. To try to get myself into church.
3. To stop procrastinating.
4. To get rid of people who drag me down.
5. To learn Spanish.